New Year, New Outlook

I chatted with a guy in Virginia while I was at the DMV on Friday. We met through one of a few dating sites I’ve signed up for this month, and seemed to connect over video games.

Actually, we connected over one video game: Final Fantasy X. He’s currently playing it, but it is in my Playstation 4 at the moment. Final Fantasy X is one game I am obsessed with, but I can talk about that another time. I certainly didn’t talk about it with this guy, not that I tried, but he didn’t want to talk about gaming,

Hours away from the new year, he asked about doing a video chat. While I’m staying with my friend, I won’t use the camera unless I’m going to be alone. I told him that I would do it after the kids are asleep, even though I didn’t tell him that the youngest were actually spending the night elsewhere. The only kids were teenagers who were going to stay up late to ring in the new year.

To try and sweeten the deal, he sent me one picture of himself from the head down to his navel. Let me tell you, he has a very nice chest, hardly any fat, slightly defined muscles. A bit later, he sent me a picture of his… bratwurst, with a bit of special sauce. Let me tell you, he has a very nice… that… and I could see myself craving… that… but I wasn’t going to follow through. I wished him luck in the future and removed him from Skype.

It wasn’t about what the minors might see, as I have friends who share borderline racy pictures on Facebook and I have to hope no one is standing behind me while I’m scrolling. I’ve turned into someone who won’t tolerate a lot of sexual behavior in the early stages of getting to know someone.

Someone noticed that I’m apparently kinky by OKCupid’s standards, and they sent me a message to tell me they were kinky as well. I’m serious, that was their opening line. I replied to their message, only so I could add that I’m demisexual. I was asked to prove it to them. How do you prove to someone that you won’t have sex with someone you’re not interested in? You do what I did, and tell them that you’re not interested in them, and they shouldn’t expect to have sex with you.

The best thing that could have happened to me was to have a guy from Japan write to me shortly after things ended with my fiancé. I was in no mood for a lot of things, especially sex. Somehow the idea of sex wasn’t brought up until I called him out on a few of his questions, because I said that thinking of things like that would lead to us doing the deed. Later on, I was doing research and realized that there were a lot of things I did wrong in regards to trying to get a Japanese man, with my biggest offenses being of a sexual nature. But what did I really want?

Honestly, it reminded me of what I was like years ago, when sex was far less important than romance. How did my path stray from that? All I can think was that I prioritized attention in general instead of asking myself if I was getting the kind of attention I really wanted.

That’s not to say I don’t want to have sex anymore. However, I understand I’m getting to that age where my body is going to start falling apart, I’m losing whatever semblance of beauty I had, and so I need to find someone who’s interested in my long-term potential.

Figuring that I’d have better luck with Asian guys if I wanted romance, or at least an attentive partner, I signed up for Asian dating sites. That’s how I met the white guy from Virginia who I chatted with over Skype while at the DMV. My potential matches have been less than amazing, and although I’m a bit disappointed, I see it as a sign to step away from dating for a little while. Maybe some guy will win me over when I’m not in front of my computer.

On the bright side, my car’s documents are updated back to New York. One good thing happened while I was at the DMV.

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