Digits

I’ve had the same cell phone number since I was in high school. I carried it with me to New Jersey, and always laughed a bit when I had to explain where my area code originated. My mom’s phone number was the same series of numbers except for the last one, so as long as I remembered one of our numbers I could recall the other one. Since I’ve had that phone number for over fifteen years now, the last thing I really want to do is to change it. Thank goodness for smartphones and being able to block numbers very easily.

I probably should trust that a conversation will end, but lately I’ve reached a point where I’ll block a caller if I’m uncomfortable with them. That’s really the only reason I have for doing it, is that I’m uncomfortable with the person. Do I know that they’ll say something which might pull at my heartstrings and blind me with my own emotions? No, I don’t know if they’ll do that, or if they’ll start to belittle me because I hurt them or something.

A couple of days ago, I went out with a friend for dessert with one of her guy friends. After I got back, she added me to a group chat as a means of passing off my phone number to the guy. I wasn’t okay with my phone number being given out so easily, and when I questioned her about it, she said, “he’s a nice guy.” I let it go, thinking we were talking like friends, albeit a bit perversely but that seems to be a bit normal for the friends I tend to make.

Fast forward to tonight, when I comment on the fact that the guy hasn’t texted me at all today and I’m surprised by that. According to my friend, I was sending mixed signals, and he understood that I didn’t want to talk to him.

It amazes me that in this age of communication, we somehow manage to communicate less.

If I ever wonder what someone is trying to tell me, I ask them. I’m not even the type to assume that kindness is a green light for anything else. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to directly ask another person about their intentions.

Oh, awkward moments, of course. If your feelings for another person aren’t returned, then life continues as it normally does. The only time things get awkward is when you change your behavior towards them because of an unfavorable outcome. If you can accept that you’re friends, or colleagues, or whatever you are to each other, then that is what you are. You don’t have to start a relationship right away. Sometimes it takes a while for love to blossom, and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good timing, but sometimes one person isn’t looking in the right direction, or maybe they need to see you do something amazing to see you as a life partner. The only one who makes anything awkward is the one who can’t shrug off whatever happens and continue living life normally.

It’s another reason why I don’t mind giving up on dating right now. It’s not that I don’t want to have feelings, because emotions can’t really be controlled. It’s just that I want to be a little more critical of what I’m falling for. I want to know people a little better before I give out my phone number. I’ve had a longer relationship with my digits than I’ve had romantically, so it should be earned. If someone wants a piece of my history, all they have to do is ask about my phone number, and they’ll learn it’s more than just a direct line to reach me.

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