The Valentine Conundrum

All of my best stories start with the words, “So, there’s this guy…”

So, there’s this guy… and I like him, and he seems to like me. That’s a good start, I think.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. What do I do?

Chocolate is out of the question. I don’t live close enough to get it to him. Should I have thought of that sooner, and then possibly shipped it to him? I did think of that. Unfortunately, when I had the time, I was uncertain of what I even felt for him and what he felt for me. So that rules out not only chocolate, but also anything handmade.

I could write something, like a story. But I decided against that.

Instead, I decided I would record a video and put it on YouTube.

My first thought was to record myself talking. Let’s face it, I’m nothing special to gaze upon, my speaking voice isn’t the greatest, and I’m otherwise boring when it comes to things to say. With my luck, I would even make dumb jokes and laugh at myself, or I would use so many filler words and awkward silences that it would be difficult to watch. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. After all, if he’s interested in me, he might ignore all the flaws and think it’s the sweetest video ever.

Personally, I don’t really want to stare at myself as I replay the video, because I’m going to criticize everything about myself before I decide I wasted some amount of my life trying to make something nice.

Instead, I decided to aim my computer’s built-in webcam at the television screen. I opened up SingStar on my Playstation 4, then complained about the distinct lack of music in SingStar’s SingStore before complaining about my very limited library of songs to choose from.

Before recording anything, I performed the one song that I decided would be acceptable to record. I ended with the top score, beating out my previous scores. I wasn’t too thrilled, because that would mean I had to work harder to beat that score. Of course, it wasn’t the score I was really going for, it was the performance.

I pressed the button on my computer to record the video, then started to play the song. I sang as naturally as I could manage, not trying to adjust my pitch to hit certain notes. When the song ended, it tallied up my score, and I ended with a score that topped my previous attempt. I stuck my head into the video recording and grinned widely, proud of what I had achieved, and then I stopped the recording.

I uploaded the video to YouTube, marking it as unlisted because it’s not meant for anyone else and I especially don’t want to deal with copyright claims. Once it was uploaded and processed, I watched the video for the first time. The lighting wasn’t the best, as the television screen was coming in too brightly and nothing on the screen could be seen. My singing was better than I had feared, but still worse than how I always think it sounds. And then I looked like an idiot when my head popped onto the screen. At least I was the only person in the house at the time, because I think I would have been the butt of a number of jokes for about a half hour after my recording session.

My next trick is sending him the link. That’s as good as done.

But then, what if it’s not as special as I think I’m trying to be? What if he raises an eyebrow and thinks I’m weird? What if the feelings aren’t reciprocated?

On the other hand, what if I do nothing and he hoped to get something from me? What if he thinks I was being too casual while he feels something more?

But… what if it works out just right? What if the meaning isn’t lost to him? What if he has something more amazing in mind for me?

What am I even worried about? Haven’t I already learned that if things are awkward, it’s not meant to be? Haven’t I learned that if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, it’s no reason to worry because someone else out there might be a better fit? Haven’t I learned anything?

I am calm, I assure you. I won’t lose sleep over this. Well, I might lose sleep if things work out too well, because I’ll ask myself what I did to deserve something so wonderful.

But if it’s all a fantasy in my mind, if I’ve exaggerated things and fell in love with my hopes and dreams, then it’s been fun but I need to return to reality. But not today! Today, I’ll celebrate love and romance. I will not be depressed because I’m single, but I’ll rejoice in my perseverance to find love, and I will give myself the love I deserve. And if my valentine becomes a new relationship, then everything would have been worth it. If things don’t go in that direction, then I’m prepared to let go.

Am I prepared to let go? Is anyone prepared for that? No, I don’t want to let go, at least not to what I feel for him. I want to let go of the thoughts that tell me this won’t work out, that he doesn’t feel that strongly for me, every thought that would sabotage a perfectly good thing. Haven’t I had these thoughts before? What do I really fear?

No, we will boldly go forth, and we will let things happen as they will. Because if things don’t work out, so what? One day, there will be another, and I’ll make a fool of myself again. And if things do work out, then maybe I don’t need to worry about finding love in the future.

Also, if things do work out, then I won’t have this internal monologue of self-doubt and confidence, I might just have the confidence.

Isn’t it fun to fall in love have the emotional roller coaster?

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2 thoughts on “The Valentine Conundrum

  1. Pingback: And So, My Immunity Was Compromised | Ascension of Luna

  2. Pingback: Confession Time! Too Much Distance, Not Enough Relationship | Ascension of Luna

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