Infidelity In Japan?

A few videos have popped up on YouTube about Japan and cheating, and I made the mistake of watching them because I started thinking.

 

“A man cheats on his wife because after they have children, he sees her only as a mother…” When I heard the guy in the video say that, I thought that’s sad, because I feel like she might want to still feel like the woman he fell in love with and not just be the mother to his children. I feel like that would drive her to seek attention on the side as well, someone who can make her feel like a woman again.

“A man might feel alienated because his wife and kids have a routine that he’s left out of.” I’d try to capture some of those moments he’s missing out on, and wait for him to get home from work so I can be like, “you should see our kid taking their first steps!” If I was making lunch for the child to take to school the next day, I’d want some input from the father as to what should go into the lunch, even if it’s a note wishing the child has a good day and does well on exams or whatever. I don’t ever want to have children and just rely on their father for financial support. I want him to make time and be a part of their lives. It doesn’t matter if the kids are asleep when he gets home and he can’t actually spend quality time, I want him to take an interest in what happens in their lives and I want him to have a say in what the kids do. When the weekend rolls around, guess who’s coming with us to the park, or to fly kites, or stay at home and do other stuff?

Oh, what were some of the other reasons they mentioned?

There was also some talk about how it’s expensive to get a divorce in Japan, not to mention the fact that it’s socially unacceptable, and also the father won’t get to see the kids again. But that’s exactly why a couple should resolve things before there’s any infidelity, or don’t get married in the first place. This is especially true in regards to having kids, which is why it would be a good thing to wait until after marriage to have them, but to also make sure that both parents understand what one expects of the other in terms of the parent’s involvement in raising the kids. Otherwise, it won’t really make a difference if the father doesn’t see the kids again if he never took time to see them to begin with.

Personally, I don’t want to be seen only as a mother. I don’t even see myself as one of those suburban moms that drive around in a sensible vehicle and attends PTA meetings and who’s the voice of reason and whatever else, because that’s boring to me and it’s just not who I am. First off, if I’m the voice of reason, we’ve got a problem. I’m more likely to suggest that the kids should go run with scissors before I realize that they don’t know I’m not being serious. Second, if anyone starts begging to go to a Pokemon Center, or any kind of popular anime-themed store or cafe or such, it might be me and not the kids. Although, if I have to watch children’s television all day, I won’t be able to tolerate it. When their dad, my husband, gets home from work, I’ll be so glad because I’ll be around another adult again and can do adult things and talk about adult subjects, and hopefully he won’t reject me when I try to spend time with him.

I don’t want to be in a position where I’m just seen as a mother, and my partner uses that to justify having to go to another woman even if I’m not made aware that he’s doing so. I don’t want to feel like I have to go to another man to be seen as a woman because my own husband won’t look at me that way anymore. What will it take for my husband to hurry home after work (and drinks with the boss, if he must) to see me waiting for him, ready to remind him of why he married me? Unless he married me solely for the sake of having his children, in which case I’ll feel disappointed that our relationship wasn’t more romantic.

It seems like if I don’t want to be seen as just a mother, and the father doesn’t want to feel left out of the lives of his family members, it seems like my options are to not have kids or find a guy who won’t forget why he fell in love with me in the first place no matter how many kids we have.

That’s not to say that cheating is wrong on all levels. Some people don’t really mind it, some make it work out. I can completely understand marrying someone just for money or just for the sake of having children with a person, then dating someone on the side and not caring about what that person can do for you other than being fun for the evening or for an extended period of time or whatever. It works because a person will always have that new relationship energy, they will always have a fun relationship that they can end when it stops being fun, but they still have something serious that they can build upon. It’s not my thing, but as long as no one’s feelings will be hurt, I won’t say anything against it.

But I plan to marry for love, and while I know that love changes over time because people change, I want to keep putting in the effort to be loved for who I am and not for what I did do or could do for another person. My husband may be the father of my children, but he is first and foremost the man I fell in love with and that’s how it should be. Likewise, I might be his wife and the mother of his children, but he should still see me with the same twinkle in his eyes as when he first met me, and I want to make sure those eyes still sparkle for me and me alone.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Another video was a street interview video where people were asked their thoughts on cheating, to which most of them said they wouldn’t allow it and wouldn’t do it in their relationships. I have to hope they’re honest. After all, it’s fairly easy to convince a foreign girl that you’re a Japanese salaryman who works long hours, when you’re a part-timer who’s also a two-timer. Also, Japanese people don’t seem to be as confrontational as Americans, which means it might be hard to know if there’s an issue until it’s become an even bigger issue, so you won’t know if you need to do something until another person has already taken that role and done that thing. But knowing that there’s Japanese people who say they don’t tolerate something that seems to be common in Japan, there’s a good chance of having a decent relationship.

It’s always going to come down to communication. Even if only one person is saying what they feel and what they want, the other person should respect that.

But I’m making a big deal over something I don’t need to be concerned with right now. Still, it’s never wrong to consider your feelings in a hypothetical situation, so thoughts like these are still helpful.

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3 thoughts on “Infidelity In Japan?

  1. Regarding this topic, I remembered my friend whose husband was a Japanese citizen. He came up to her with the intention of marrying her and he told her that he’s just an ordinary salary-man (when in fact he’s an engineer, and she didn’t learn about it until they’re married). She told her that he can come back three years after and then she’ll marry him. She didn’t expect the guy to return after three years, and when he did, she was surprised and she did marry him. The guy doesn’t want to have a child, and it wasn’t until after their seventh year of marriage that she persuaded her husband that she wanted to have a child. So they only have one child. She told me that her husband told her that not all Japanese men engage in infidelity. According to him, Japanese men who have mistresses are those who aren’t professionals or those who were uneducated. She’s happily married for almost two decades now, and she doesn’t seem to have any problem with her husband.

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