I’ll never forget the night I came home with his phone number.
Back when I was living with J, a guy at work gave me his Playstation Network ID, which took me a few tries to decipher his handwriting before I was able to add him. Sometime after that day, I was given his phone number, and I was grinning from ear to ear as I walked home. I don’t often get guy’s phone numbers, and usually when I do, it’s someone I have no intention of contacting ever again (which is part of being a woman, I guess, feigning interest just to get away from a guy without starting a problem).
Anyway, we ended up hanging out one day, because I had the day off and was content with doing my own tour of the mall. I left the mall to pick him up, only to bring him back to the mall for a little while.
Prior to picking him up, I had made a playful comment that was taken as a double entendre. My intentions for the day weren’t more than platonic, as I simply enjoyed his company and wanted to spend time away from the office. Well, something happened… and after it did and we had parted ways for the night, I said that what happened was because he wanted it, which in hindsight sounds like I had regrets, or that I felt coerced or even forced, but that’s really not the case.
I suppose you could say I’m “all or nothing” when it comes to certain physical acts. However, I have an odd history when it comes to casual sex partners, which is why I don’t want to have any more casual sex partners. I mean, the guy who deflowered me would only talk to me about sex later on, so I lost a friend who made me a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards and would talk about different movies that I now enjoy, but the final nail in the coffin was his current political stance. Another guy, who was only vaguely memorable for the physical stuff, was more memorable for the conversations we had, as he grew up on the west coast and had experience with hallucinogenic substances and I still lived on the east coast and was too afraid to even try pot. I actually miss that west coast dude, and I wonder what he’s up to these days, but I realize he didn’t send me any messages because he simply wanted to talk, so my purpose in his life has ended. So that’s my thing, either the friendship is lost, or it was never really there, so I’d rather not do something that could cloud my judgment if this person happens to be pretty shitty.
To be honest, the guy from work kind of reminds me of West Coast Guy. It could be the chill attitude, the nicotine reliance, the physical build,… I don’t know, but they are two separate people.
Recently, we were geeking out over Coheed And Cambria, comparing favorite songs off each previous album, to which we have similar tastes. Most of his favorite music is heavy metal that I’ve never heard of before, but sometimes he delights me with covers of popular songs that I know but wouldn’t otherwise listen to of my own volition. But to sit there and compare favorite songs from one of my favorite bands, with someone who seems to have a little more than just a passing interest, that’s an amazing feeling for me considering my passion for the music i connect with.
Overall, I found myself talking with him more often in recent days, and for no real reason so of course my mind has to justify it. Since I work with him, I was contacting him on the day of Libra’s verdict to give an idea of how late I was running, and that day he was one of the first people I saw once I got to work, and told me I should go home instead of clocking in. I asked him for a hug when I saw him, expecting to be rejected since we work together, but he gave me a half hug in consideration of me being over encumbered with coffee and leftovers from lunch. I stopped by work a couple of days later, on a night that I wasn’t working but he was, because I wanted to show that I was already doing better than the last time he saw me. I had forgotten I was still wearing makeup from my solo trip to the mall, so now I’m wondering if it was noticed and given a second thought.
I feel like I’m developing a crush on him, which isn’t to say I wasn’t before. But after that one night, when he started sitting next to another girl at work, and then someone else, I nodded my head and applauded my decision to not reduce what we had to something physical. But now, I want to go out on dates with him, especially because I know him well enough now that I think there would be something more than sex between us. Then again, I don’t think I’m really his type, just that we get along well. And then, I thought about it in the car tonight, that if we dated or this did get physical or whatever, I would end up losing someone who’s become one of my favorite guy friends. So maybe, just maybe, this is how it’s meant to be between us and nothing more. Also, I’m dealing with feminine stuff right now, in addition to life weaning me off Libra, so I wonder if this crush isn’t just a neurochemical cocktail designed to ward off a cold and lonely winter, so to speak.
Eh, I should just view it as I’m spending time with him while I can, before I leave the company for another job elsewhere, or before I leave the state to try living somewhere else for a while. If something is really going to happen, it will happen, right? And if not, then I’m right about us being good friends and that we should not mess with that.
Yeah, after everything I’ve been through, maybe I should take a break from a lot of things for a while. What’s meant to stay will stay, whats meant to return will return.