Why Not The Philippines?

So, Japan.

Japan, Japan, Japan.

Nihon.

Anime. Manga. Godzilla. Ramen and sushi.

Konnichiwa!

My Dad was stationed in Japan while he was in the Air Force. Then I watched Sailor Moon. Now my goal is to go to Japan.

I can’t throw something in this room without it hitting something that relates to my interest in Japan, whether it’s anime or manga, CDs or merchandise for Japanese rock bands, or something having to do with video gaming. You can’t go through my pantry without finding Japanese or other southeast Asian food items, more than just soy sauce, rice and ramen, as I also have rice vinegar and powdered coconut milk.

My Japanese lessons are paused at the moment. To some extent, I burned myself out after going a whole month straight. I got bored, I changed my nightly priorities, and while I tell myself I should or that I need to start again, I can’t seem to do it.

My Japanese friend told me he loved me, which lifted my spirits for only about three days. I should have been ecstatic, I should have felt some kind of accomplishment, like things were deepening between us. I felt lonelier than before, because it didn’t come with an increase in messages from him, or plans to meet, or even call. And the Facebook account he uses to chat with me has a friend listed, and it’s a woman who isn’t me, but I can’t bring myself to address that fact because I’ll come off as jealous (which I actually feel is justified, since I’m not connected as a friend at all). So in my realization that I had options, it didn’t take me long to find something that was possibly better.

So there was a guy who could actually carry a conversation, which put him ahead of the rest of the guys on the dating site. He was Asian, with longer hair, and he lived in the Philippines. And he likes me. He likes that I’m not skinny. And not only does he think I’d be a good mother, he also believes I’d be a good wife.

My first thought, of course, was to do a Google search and see if fat people get sold on the black market. Alas, they do, there’s a market for fat, not necessarily the people. But the more time I spend talking to him, the more he seems to have a genuine interest in me as a person, and that he’s a real person as well.

So now my thoughts are that I should focus on going to the Philippines.

I don’t even know anything about the Philippines.

Well, they’re an island nation, another archipelago like Japan. And they have a tropical climate, which is cruel and tempting right now as my area is easing out of winter but still flirting with snow and temperatures dipping just below freezing. So I could choose to live somewhere that never has snow, and I just have to deal with a lot of rain for about half of the year? Maybe I’ll just visit family for the holidays so I can get my requirement for snow at Christmastime, but otherwise I’m ready to leave it behind.

He says his English isn’t that good, but my Japanese isn’t even conversational, and my Spanish is only good for figuring out the locations of the library, some cheese, and my cat. Okay, I say, rubbing my hands together as I figure out what his first language might be. So the primary language of the Philippines is, of course, Filipino or Tagalog, and from what I understand, the difference between Filipino and Tagalog is similar to differences between regional dialects of most languages. Okay, I say, rubbing my hands together as I pull up Duolingo to see what languages they offer, only to see they don’t offer it yet. They have Klingon… but I can’t learn Tagalog. All right, why not? Some more research on Tagalog, I discover its usage is mainly just the Philippines, so it’s about as useful to me here as Klingon would be. At least for an English-speaker, it’s far easier to learn than Japanese, and the difficulty rating actually decreases for knowing Spanish as some of the words are derived from Spanish. It’s a good thing I know how to ask where the bathroom is, after all!

All this research, you would think I got hungry at some point, and I did. Searching for Filipino restaurants, however, I find that I either need to make a road trip out of it, or I need to hop in my time machine. Yeah, it seems there was a Filipino restaurant in my area, but it opened after I moved to New Jersey, and it closed before I even had a chance to visit. Well, I can cook, so I also looked up a list of dishes that are typical fare. A lot of things sounded good, some things seemed questionable to me because they were fried (I’m trying to eat a little healthier… trying to…), but some things sounded like they might be made in large quantities when they’re normally prepared. Not knowing where to begin, I skipped to dessert. Halo-halo sounds amazing, by the way, like I need it in my mouth! It’s not the first time I’ve heard of it, as some of the things in one of the local Asian grocery stores say, “perfect for halo-halo,” leaving me to wonder, “what is halo-halo?” I’m just going to say, its something sweet and fruity, and chilled and sounds refreshing and delightful. It might be the first Filipino food thing I make for myself, if I can get all or most of the necessary ingredients. When I mentioned to him about my quest for Filipino food, he said, “I’ll cook for you.” But.. but… I can cook…

So yeah, now I’m considering going halfway around the world for a guy. No, literally, this time it’s exactly halfway around the world, as the Philippines are 12 hours ahead of the Eastern Standard time zone. Thankfully he’s out of the country for work, which changes the time difference. It also changes my fear, that maybe he’s involved in a different kind of human trafficking.

What? I’m too happy. I have to rule out the possibilities that something isn’t quite right. I mean, he’s too pretty… okay, maybe not too, too pretty, but looking at him reminds me that I have had crushes on Han from the Fast And Furious movies, Apolo Ohno while he had longer hair, and I even like watching Mummy-D in the video for the song he performs with Suga Shikao. Even looking at pictures of him with shorter hair, he just seems like a fun person. Oh, yeah, I should add that we’re friends on Facebook. This is more of what I wanted, so far it feels right, so I just want to make sure it’s for real.

So why not the Philippines? Why don’t I go where I’ll be happy? After all, I may have just found what will make me happy.

Weeb-ing a Spell

“I’m going to get a bunch of Ramune today,” said Pete, after I replied to his Facebook message from last night. Later he sent me a picture from the store where he bought the glass-bottled “marble soda” drinks.

“Wes bought this and I couldn’t help but think of you.” This message came from another friend today, with a picture of candy sushi being held by a guy who I assume is the aforementioned Wes.

Lately at work, I’ve been catching up on my manga, getting back to reading Maid Sama! and ordering the volumes I lack.

While waiting for the deliveries in the mail, I read Tokyo Heist by Diana Renn, a young adult mystery novel about a teen girl who goes to Japan with her father, and while he’s busy with his assigned task, she’s tracking down clues as to what happened with a missing van Gogh painting. While it was somewhat enjoyable, I found a number of ways in which the writing could be improved, though I’m probably not the intended audience.

And when I haven’t been reading, or haven’t been at work, I’ve been getting back to learning Japanese. While at work, I have a kanji workbook, and I’ve practiced ichi, ni, san, yon, and go, or the numbers one through five. At night, I’ve been getting back into Duolingo, so far maintaining an 8-day streak while retaking lessons I worked on over a year ago.

I figured I would work on my Japanese some more to make it easier for myself when I manage to go to Japan, hopefully to start with going to a Japanese language school (hear me out: immersion. I’ll be forced to practice in my daily life) and have at least a year-long visa. I understand that if I try to go for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, or JLPT, and I manage to pass the N5 (basic Japanese proficiency) or N4 (a higher level of fluency, more conversational), it would help me get closer to the blue collar work visa when they finalize the requirements, but my weight would still present an issue. Regardless of that, if my skill with the language helps me get into the country, it’s a good start.

I didn’t stop at just reading manga and practicing my Japanese at work. I got mad at a coworker, and instead of being aggressive about it, I played up one of his insults for me, and let my weeaboo flag fly. To be fair, I don’t consider myself to be a weeaboo, just a Japanophile at best, and even then I have plenty of interests that don’t involve Japan. But I started wearing more of my anime and J-rock shirts to work, and I started wearing cat ear headbands. I had hoped that he wouldn’t want to be around me.

I don’t really understand why I am both comfortable and out of place while wearing the cat ear headbands. Obviously I’m the only one with cat ears, which makes me stand out, but no one seems to care, or they give me compliments if they do care. I’m reminded of the Japanese phrase that, translated, says that the nail that sticks out is the one that’s hammered down. Basically, if you don’t conform, you will be made to conform. But no one is making me change, no one is telling me to take off the cat ears, no one is telling me to only read novels if they’ve been approved by wealthy former talk show hosts, no one is telling me I shouldn’t be wearing certain shirts.

And worst of all, the coworker who upset me seems to still want to sit near me, which is the opposite of what I intended. Maybe he knows it’s frustrating me that my plan is backfiring, or maybe he’s using it to try and frustrate me. To be fair, though, the day he got me mad, it was “straw breaking the camel’s back,” I was wearing a new dress and felt ecstatic in it, but “trouble” came and I didn’t want to ruin the dress, and he seemed uncomfortable to be sitting next to me while I actually looked like a girl that day. So after I got back from my lunch break, he fed me a line that I could see through clearly. My supervisor asked me to take over a call elsewhere on the call floor, and after I finished the call, I used paid time off and left for the day. I was able to take care of what bothered me, and I had a wonderful afternoon as a result.

Maybe that’s what it is. I’m being a little more true to myself. My heart is in Japan, because there’s a guy there and I’m hoping for the best with that, but if that fails, I would have still managed to achieve a dream, I would go where I’m around a lot of the things that bring me joy. And maybe people are seeing that I’m happy when I’m around things relating to Japan. It’s kind of nice, though, to know that there’s something in this world that reminds people of me.

In the newest training class, there’s an Asian guy. In the looks department, he’s fairly average, and he reminds me of Gedde Watanabe from Gung Ho and Sixteen Candles in that respect. I’d date him, but… at this point, I’m starting to feel guilty for having feelings for Libra, for Bojack, for J, and I feel like anyone else would be a further distraction from my travel goals and possibly ending up with my friend in Japan. But oh, as I was walking down the hallway towards the break room, and he was heading towards the training room, when he said, “nice cat ears,” I melted a bit.

It’s good to be myself.

Self Evident

I have been staring at this screen for at least a half hour now. I know I want to talk about something, but I don’t know which direction to go. 

I do know these things to be true:

For 2019, I want to avoid f*ckboys. They gave me enough to deal with this year, but they are temporary creatures and I want to focus on permanent fixtures. If you’re not aware, I’m talking about any guy who keeps me around and uses me to feel less lonely for a little while. 

I don’t want to be here. I still want to be in Japan. I still want to buy a camper or recreational vehicle and travel the United States before I leave the country again, but that thought scares me a bit and makes me cry. Japan always makes me feel hopeful and excited, but I think it’s because I know I’d be in a better situation, and I’d try to make it my home. I don’t know where I want to be in the United States, but I don’t feel like I want to be here anymore. 

I think I found love. I thought I figured out what I wanted when I wrote it all down on paper and compiled a three-page list, but the puckish forces in the universe found a bunch of loopholes and turned my list into a joke. After they wadded up my list and threw it towards the trash bin, they asked, “no, really, what is it that you want? You know what it is, just say it.” And I thought about it. I want time, I want to take a while and get to know a person, and allow them to get to know me through life’s ups and downs. I don’t just want to write quick messages, I want to write paragraphs, and I want to actually speak on the phone. I remarked to myself that I never end up with anyone who’s introduced me to music I’ve taken an interest in, and then I realized that I haven’t cut ties with everyone that applies to. And then, if I asked the universe to send me some signs, it would probably be because I was ignoring the things that I already see as signs, because I would think that I was over-thinking something. Nevertheless, I have a blue dragon Beanie Baby watching my keystrokes right now, and he just happens to share a birthday with my friend in Japan, who spent three hours on the phone with me Friday night, with the only awkward silence being at the beginning of the call because neither of us could think of how to start the conversation. Two years later, and we actually seem to be on the same wavelength, at least more so than when we first started talking. 

I have too much stuff. If I had to sit in an empty room and recall the things I have, and I could only save whatever came to mind, I’d have a very simple list. I’d keep my books, video games, CDs and my DVDs. Doesn’t matter if a book or a game or a CD or a movie is part of a collectors edition, because if I mention that I want to keep it, the included goodies come along with. I want to keep most of my kitchen stuff, but I want fewer plates and bowls, and to be honest I’d like a different design for my dishes. I have too many clothes, and even though I want to ditch my t-shirts and dress a little more stylishly, I have t-shirts I don’t want to part with just yet; plus I might have moments when I need to really dress down and will want a shirt that I can get dirty or ruined. I want to keep consumables, like candles and incense, mainly because I can still consume them. Aside from that, there are a few items that I can recall that don’t fall under any of those categories, but I’d still want to keep them. That leaves a lot of things that, unless I see them and hold them, I would neither be able to account for them once gone, nor would I need them even if I could remember their existence. And I should keep that in mind, as I go through the things I’m still keeping. Not to mention, if I manage to permanently relocate to Japan, how much of what I have will I be willing to move halfway across the world? 

I do not have the financial means to go to Japan. However, my credit score has improved quite a bit, so if I line up some ducks, I might be able to take out a loan for some continuing education overseas. That’s grammatically correct, as far as I can tell, as I was referring to the concept of “continuing education” but doing so overseas. Then again, I get bothered when people talk about, for example, a rock band or music group, then use plural pronouns to further discuss that music group, when in my mind they are discussing one entity, the group as a whole. I’m also bothered by people who seem to use “whom” more often than necessary. English grammar is hard, and I want to learn Japanese? Well, I suppose questionable sanity is more socially acceptable than questionable morals, after all. 

Costume cat ears are a great way to express how little I care of what anyone thinks of me while at work, and I would gladly be remembered for my eccentricity. I mean, what else is there to say about me? I made a few bad decisions this year? I still have a job, a car, and a place to sleep, I haven’t lost too much, so I’d say I’m doing well. But yeah, I’ve realized how much gossiping is done at work, and how much I put myself on the wrong side of things because of it. But no one knows how much I do pay attention to everyone else around me, and I don’t even need to listen to gossip to know what’s going on. 

All of that being said, I can tell what I need to change, and what I want to change, for this coming year. I hoped that 2018 was going to be my year, and maybe it was in its own way, because I learned a lot about myself and have reached certain limits of what I can tolerate. As long as I put the effort in, I feel like I can have the 2019 that I want. 

Here’s hoping. 

Mission: Adventure!

My time in this house with Libra is nearing its end.

I knew this was coming, before I agreed to moving in with him. However, I didn’t know when. He didn’t even know when, because there was no set date. As much as I don’t want to be vague, since it sounds like we’ve just reached a point where we can’t stand each other, I unfortunately have to be vague for the sake of privacy and personal information. Yeah, it sucks, but I don’t feel as if I’m at liberty to discuss such things.

Ah, but tragedy befalls other friends as well, as my best friend suffered a tragic loss. There’s a lot going on with that, so I should probably hold my figurative tongue. So much going on in life, not at liberty to discuss any of it.

Well, one of these two situations provided me an excellent opportunity!

I was asked if I would personally deliver some legal papers to an address in Buffalo. I agreed, solely because i had the time and I was helping out a friend in need. So preparations were made, Libra gave my car an oil change, I was given gas money by the friend I was helping, and I set off on my whirlwind adventure.

It’s been years since I’ve been to Buffalo. I’ve driven through the area more recently than I had last visited, as we (Mom and I, for example) would have to pass through the area on the way to visit my brother when he still lived in Pennsylvania. The last time I had visited was when I was spending time with my first ex, which was about ten years ago.

I didn’t want to just go, drop off the papers, and then turn back around.

Libra was going to go with me, but then he changed his mind for reasons I understood. Had he accompanied me, I might have tried looking for the two bars that my ex had visited, as I felt like Libra might have enjoyed the bar that had a devil theme to it. Then again, I felt like Libra might not have cared what we did, except to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me while I rekindled memories.

I ended up going alone, which is not a problematic situation for me. So I chose the music, brought some snacks, and headed out on my three-hour-long journey.

When I was almost to my destination, I sent a message to the friend I was helping. I was then informed that the recipient wouldn’t be home for about two more hours. Well, I did plan to occupy more of my time while I was out, did I not? So I pulled into a parking lot for some business that was closed, either for the day or forever, and I searched Google for something that would cater to my interests.

Asian markets.

In hindsight, I don’t know why I searched for Asian markets. It’s not as if I couldn’t make a day trip to Syracuse for Asian food, or just popped in to Wegmans after work for their limited selection of goods. Furthermore, it’s not as if I actually needed anything, as I still had two bottles of Calpico in the fridge, I had ramen, panko bread crumbs, okonomiyaki flour,… I did not need anything more. Why I didn’t search for something entertaining, like a science museum or an arcade, is beyond me.

Lucky Dragon was closed for the day, which was only a disappointment in that I couldn’t say I visited a store with Dragon in the name. My first stop was then Hana Mart, a shop with about a third of the floor space of Han’s. I’m not kidding, the floor space was about the size of someone’s living room. It was tiny! But what the store lacked in floor space, it made up for in selection, as I found a few things I wouldn’t have found elsewhere. The girl behind the register was so nice and friendly, and we talked about how baked goods always taste better while they’re warm, after she passed along the suggestion that the brownie-cookies I bought would taste better after being in the microwave for a moment.

I consulted my phone again, this time finding another store that was occupying a repurposed Walmart. The store is called Asia Food Mart, and the entrance is flanked by a pair of lion statues, just like the other Asian market that I know of in Syracuse. Like that Syracuse store, there is more of an emphasis on Chinese food and culture, although other Southeast Asian countries are represented as well. But unlike that store in Syracuse, this one had a nook with furniture in it, and one corner of the store displayed porcelain dishes with small spotlights focused on the items, and glass display cases arranged in a rectangle with jewelry pieces and jade knick-knacks on display for purchase. There was also more Indian food and seasoning as well. I bought a lot of drinks, from canned coffee to juice with bits of coconut in it. I also bought some jelly snacks, which are closer in consistency to gelatin than to something you might spread on toast. I told myself I was going to avoid anything that needed refrigeration, which probably saved me some money though I might have missed out on having ice cream mochi as a treat in the car. At least I know the other Asian store in the Syracuse area has ice cream mochi, so I’m not at a loss. But what I didn’t know, or at least what I didn’t realize at the time, was that the Asia Food Mart in Buffalo is a sister store to the Asia Food Mart in Syracuse, the place I keep using for comparisons. No wonder they have so much in common!

Half way through the Asia Food Mart, and when my phone wanted to deliver a message, I got a message from my friend saying that my recipient had arrived at home. My friend was anxious for me, and everyone was fearing that the scene would be more eventful than it was. I didn’t mind taking my time to finish up in the store, as it allowed my recipient to get comfortable for a bit, though I’m aware that it only drew things out for my friend. But I navigated back to the given address, confirmed I had the correct recipient, then dropped off the papers and fled the scene. There was no confrontation, probably because my recipient was blindsided and confused. Hey, I’m just the delivery girl, I did what I was asked to do.

I parked in another parking lot, then made the necessary phone calls to say it was done and how little I had to deal with. Then I recalled seeing a listing for a ramen restaurant, which I searched for as it was nearing dinnertime and I was not going to do drive-thru if I could help it. The first five listings, when searching for ramen near me, were all for Sato Ramen, located near the University of Buffalo campus. My first thought was that this is obviously “the” place to go for ramen, so I went there. The food was amazing, of course! I’m pretty sure the portion of ramen I had was an American-sized portion, and with my okonomiyaki fries on the side, it was too much for me to eat in one sitting. I’ve heard in Japan, you can’t just get your leftovers to go, but since we’re in America (and again, that was a generous portion, I’m not even kidding), the restaurant had to-go containers. With my leftovers packed up, I returned to the car.

At this point, it’s after 6 pm on a Sunday night. The mall was closed, in fact a few things would’ve been closing up for the night if they weren’t already.  I already told myself I wasn’t going to cross into Canada, which is why I left my birth certificate at home (birth certificates along with photo ID can apparently be used in lieu of passports or the enhanced drivers license to cross the border into Canada). That didn’t mean I couldn’t go to Niagara Falls, it just meant I couldn’t go to the Canadian side of the Falls. So, I plotted a course for the Hard Rock Cafe, Niagara Falls USA.

That was the second time I had been to the Hard Rock Cafe on the American side of the Falls, the first time being when I took another friend of mine to the area to pick up her daughter. That was before I met my first ex. I bought a t-shirt and a necklace at that time, along with the Shakira pin which is one of my favorite pins yet – it’s a pink winged guitar! This time, I bought two shirts, a necklace, and three different pins. I couldn’t resist the one shirt, as it had a guitar with wings on it, and it wasn’t until I was wearing it at work the next day that it reminded me of Kyosuke Himuro and some of his merchandise. I wanted to get dessert, but I had already transferred money out of my savings account to pay for shirts I didn’t need after buying Asian groceries I didn’t need.

After I left the Hard Rock Cafe, I walked around a building that housed an international food court and a gift shop. I walked in because the Chinese eatery advertised bubble tea, but then I didn’t buy anything, not even the bubble tea. When I was looking through the gift shop, I thought about different people and what I might buy for them. Libra might’ve received a pocket knife with his name on it, and I might’ve purchased a shot glass for one of the guys at work who’s a close friend. The only thing stopping me was knowing how much I had already spent on the trip, though I also considered the gift-giving gesture would be appreciated but the gift would be unwanted.

I was quickly running out of daylight, so I decided not to stay at the Falls for too much longer. Besides, the Falls are spectacular at night… from the Canadian side, not the American side. Since I had to work the next day, and I needed to get home without passing out and crashing the car, I figured it was best if I ended my adventure, at least for this time around.

I hated having to leave for home. Home, of course, being the place where I rest my head at night. I could’ve rested my head in a hotel room, but I wouldn’t have been ready for work, and I can’t just do my job remotely. So that got me thinking, I should get a remote job, I should just go to different places, especially places I’ve never been before.

So that is my plan, at least the most generalized version of it. I will get a remote job, I’ll quit being a relay operator, and I’m going to see more of the United States. Because if I leave for Japan, there are things I’ll have never seen in my own country and might never see, and I’ll have to fly over all of it anyway. So then I thought about taking a train across the country, to at least see the landscapes, then hop a flight to Japan from the west coast. Finally I thought about just taking a road trip across the country, instead of taking a train, before I conceded that Japan isn’t in my budget yet. So how will I afford this excursion? I’ll stay in one place for a few weeks, then go somewhere else.

For now, though, I will prepare, because this is going to be a long journey, and I don’t quite feel prepared for it yet. But when I am ready and I head out, I hope it’s going to be worthwhile!